A young woman named Stephani gave me permission to share her story on how Jesus led her out of the darkness of death into Life. Thank you Stephani for this raw and very real journey. You are one of my heros.
I started iv drug use in 2000 but it wasn’t until 2007 is when I started “fighting ” this battle. When I say fighting I am referring to the first time I actually started realizing that I had become very addicted to opiates and my life was very unmanageable. But after many many failed attempts at staying clean, I always ran back to what I felt comfortable in. My “norm” per say. Then there Id go.
I’d stay out for months, years, I’d get arrested, lose custody of my kids, lost sooo much in life. Surely I hit my bottom right? Nope! Let’s see how much lower I could go. I’d overdose, wake up in hospitals. But instead of it being a wake up call…. It made me even go harder, because I was a beast! Nothing could kill me! ….smh….
It wasn’t until this last relapse that everything I’ve heard before … people sharing how they are “so grateful for the gift of desperation “, “you got to be really done and willing to go any length”, “get out of your own way “and “if it wasn’t for their higher power they would still be out there., in jail or dead.”
See, when the pain of living another day consumes your mind, when you’re sleeping in the woods, abandoned homes, when you can’t think of ONE person to call who might give you something to eat or a place to shower even because your family is done with your bullshit and all your “friends” are either dead or dying a slow miserable death themselves. When you wake up in tears because you dreamt you were home with your babies but realize quickly, you chose this instead. When you come to realize (in your delusional mind) that you’re better off dead. I can’t think of anything more rock-bottom other than actually physically dying. You see, this last relapse did kill me, it killed me mentally, emotionally and any spirituality that I did have I couldn’t find it.
It wasn’t until the day I collapsed to my knees begging this all so mighty God to show me he was real and if he loved me then to take me! Don’t save me! Just take me out of this world! Because I completely give up, I can’t go on! It was that day, that all these things I’d heard before made sense. I was given the gift of desperation! I stopped fighting and surrendered. I got out of my own way and begged God to hear my cries and show me his power. Well, I got what I asked for and more! God took me alright…. He took me from death to LIFE! He FORGAVE ME, RESTORED ME AND LOVED ME IN A WAY IVE NEVER BEEN LOVED! I realized quickly, that love was what I was always missing. That relationship with my higher power who I call God.
So, yes… I’ve posted on facebook, publicly, even promised my family , told many times I’m going to stay on the right track just to fail miserably. And for those I personally affected, I’m sorry.
But you see, things are just…. Different this time. I’ve humbled myself. I’ve forgiven myself and others, my thinking has completely changed because… All because MY FAITH is soooo strong. I seek my God everyday, I find him more and more. I am so overwhelmed by his love. Jesus isn’t just guiding me down this right track. He’s the conductor!
Thank you Jesus for being so amazingly good to me, my family, and loving me in a way I’ve been yearning for! **Goodbye Addiction/Bondage 2000-2018…. Hello beautiful life 2018-Eternity **